I Don’t Respect Myself

“we accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

For the longest time I believed I was worthless. I would allow others to badmouth, disrespect, and take advantage of me; letting them dictate how I felt about myself.

By nature, I am an amenable person; I don’t like conflict and prefer being on good terms with those around me. I guess I am the textbook definition of a people pleaser. Before, I had this distorted notion that the best way to interact with others was to give. If I had the time or resources and there was someone in need, I would give it without a second thought. The idea of being a giver was something that I was raised with, so it never really clicked that others weren’t raised with the same ideal.

One thing about being nice is that people view it as a weakness. Amiability, to them, is an inherent character flaw meant for exploitation. So I was used beautifully.

Sometimes sly comments would be made about my appearance that belittled me, but because I preferred to avoid confrontation, I would laugh it off and pretend that the jab hadn’t stung. My time and resources would be exploited, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by saying no. Under the guise of friendship, wolves would approach and tell me about certain character flaws that I should consider working on; and like an idiot, I would internalize the remarks and blame the flaws for my crappy relationships.

Then one day I just decided that I wouldn’t take it anymore. Saying no didn’t make me evil, and being assertive didn’t equal bitch. If you asked me for too much I was happy to say the sacred two-letter word. N-O! And I would do so with relish because it empowered me. If an individual made a comment that I felt belittled me I would pull them aside and let them know how it made me feel. If someone came to me with a character flaw that she wanted to “help” me with, I would listen with one ear and keep it if it was actually true. I was on a roll and it felt good.

I realize now that I was receiving crap because I felt I deserved crap, but once I realized that I needed respect, I sure as hell demanded it. Shoot! Now that I have tasted heaven, I am no longer returning to the hell that was my personal relationships.

Were there ever moments where you accepted disrespect?

Why Side With the Majority

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
― Mark Twain

It’s very comfortable to be in tune with popular opinion. It’s easier to just move with the flow and find camaraderie with your social circle. But consider the dissenting voice, the one person who acknowledges the elephant in  the room and ask yourself why she is ignored. Is there a merit of truth in what she says? Why is everyone determined to silence her? And why is she persisting despite the detriment to her social net-worth? Sometimes siding with the majority comes at a cost you maybe unwilling to pay.

“If You Don’t Stand”

“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.”
― Malcolm X

These days it seems like there are many people who fall into the middle when it comes to personal beliefs. It could be because they fear being ridiculed if their beliefs fall too far away from popular opinion, or they just have no opinion. Either way it is important to have a personal dogma because it is what guides you in determining what your moral right and wrong is; it is how you are able to navigate the grey areas in life. Without having roots that keep you grounded you will always swept into the crowd of what’s popular even if its unfounded and lacks rationale. So reflect on your life and decide what you stand for.

A Strange Feeling

It’s a strange feeling

The feeling of being among friends

Yet at the same time sensing a strange disconnect

You hear the conversation going on around you

You add a comment here and there

But despite all these things, you feel miles away

It’s truly a strange feeling when sitting among friends conversing

You take a mental step away and evaluate the connections you’ve made

With some, it’s tightly pulled, strumming from the tension of closeness and mutual understanding

The feeling that manifests itself as a click

A turning on of a switch that allows you to automatically, immediately connect

There are no awkward silences among you

Just the gradual dying away of a conversation

With others, there is a connection

A loose string that sags completely

It’s a connection that has been made

Forged with effort and care

Yet, in spite of this the ones connected know the least about you

The click isn’t there

It doesn’t exist

All the interactions occurring between you feel clumsy

Like fumbling in a newly darkened room

It feels dark, uncomfortable

It holds the awareness that at the slightest aggravation they will turn

It’s truly a strange feeling

When sitting with others

You innately know who is truly a friend

And who is a snake waiting to strike

When Death Happens

I find it hard to believe that around this time last year death happened.

He came in calmly, slowly introducing himself in bits and pieces.

He was the chill caused by the snippy words shared between “friends”.

He was the rage that coursed through lovers yelling over a minor misunderstanding.

He was the force that crushed the internal organs of a son and friend.

He was the glare shared between now nemeses.

At a time of rebirth, he brought decay, yet here I am a year later and everything has come back full circle.

The permanent loss of a childhood friend stings where before its shock numbed.

His said name no longer feels empty but is bursting full of memories.

Old love rises from the ashes of the past and lovers revisit feelings that once were.

Shreds of friendship torn apart are taped back together.

Its old form never truly regenerating, but another more engaging piece springing forward.

A collage of anger, and hurt glued together with forgiveness.

I find it easy to believe that this year life happened.

When did death happen to you?

DAMN! You Look So Skinny!!!

I ran into a classmate today and the first thing she said with a smile, as we came into “polite” speaking distance, was “You look so skinny!”

As soon as she said this, the thought that immediately came to mind was “As opposed to what?” Was she trying to imply that I was fat before?

Anyway being myself, I asked her what she meant, and she stated that she felt that I looked thinner than before; that I looked good. I thanked her, made small talk then went on my way.

As I was walking, I thought to myself, “How ironic.”

Why?

Earlier that day I had lamented about how thin I had gotten. I mourned the loss of my bust and the shrinking of my “figure”. While I had been disappointed with my weight loss someone else had seen it and had wanted to celebrate it with me.

I guess the point I’m trying to reach is that everything is about perception; For every negative there is a positive.

So, while I mourn my boobs, I should celebrate my face slimming down. Because while I hadn’t been “big” my face had been chunky, unbearably round. So no longer will I look at the glass as half-empty. Nope, it is now half-full.

Have you ever found irony in life?